Today I have been thinking
that—each pregnant pause
each conversation over coffee declined
each glass of wine
each polite turning shy
each time I kept my opinion to myself
each time I held my tongue
the bitten lip
the tousling of my hair in my fingertips
getting tighter, tearing out strands from the root
each less than subtle grimace
each Mona Lisa smile of knowing how it ends before it does
each made-up excuse to leave a party early
each hangover
each flashback
horror show.
Each time I said nothing when someone should have said something
and each time I knew it could be me, should be me,
there was only me to say it, but I caved—
each time I realised, I was no hero
not even each time I helped feed a beggar
each time I threw coins into the laps of the needy
each time I called an ambulance for the sick or dying
each time I offered my shoulder to cry on
each time I smoked my lungs to oblivion
or marinated my liver in wine
each time I dosed my troubles
I was no hero
I was just there, and a lot of the time, I had no idea why.
Each time I was ashamed of my bitterness
each time I was to blame for it
each time I refused to mention names
each time I looked in the mirror and scowled
each time I said never again
each time I shed a tear
each time I pulled the blinds on the world
each time I stared at the front door and failed to exit it
each time I would bite my fingernails
each time I nervously scratched my arms till they bled
each time I had a head full of chaos fit to bursting
each time I lay in bed crying my heart out for friends and loved ones
each time I neglected myself.
Each time I starved myself
each time I lost sleep
each time I realised I still had no great plan
each time I watched my ambitions leave me like unloved children
each time I was looking back over my shoulder
each time I could not see what was right in front of me
each time I fell
each time I grazed my knees and hands
each time I have looked in a certain person’s eyes
each time I have heard a certain tone of voice
each time I caught a certain body language swaggering by
each time I felt sick to my stomach.
I took a moment to breathe
and all this silence overflowed
I have too much going on inside to be silent
and too much silence resting on my tongue to be quiet
and too much chaos chattering over the silence
for it to ever be peaceful
and I have too much peacefulness in my heart
to cause a riot.
Today I was thinking.